Thursday, May 13, 2010

14 weeks

Its been a week. Physically & emotionally. Aside from in the presence of my Nursing Instructors, I have yet to have a good solid cry. Maybe tonight over a pretend glass of wine (aka cranberry juice).

It's been a week. Medically withdrew from nursing school, had my cerclage placed, and maybe took a breath a little. maybe, just a little.

No belly picture yet, maybe one of these days I'll have someone document this pregnancy. In a way I feel guilty not taking pictures like a madwomen. I did with Carter, weekly. I only have one pregnant picture with Caila.

I'm closer to feeling willing. Closer, but not quite.

The nurse in recovery verbalized for me what I have been feeling since the moment the digital test said pregnant. She said" I bet you have been walking around hoping to keep your baby from falling out until now, haven't you?" She's right. I have. Maybe I can begin to let myself dream a little, just a little, and no planning yet, just dreaming. Planning can wait, or maybe we just won't do it ever again.

Just prior to surgery My doctor came in to listen to the babies heartbeat so they could chart it before and after surgery. It took him a minute to find it. I held my breath, maybe turned blue. He sensed my anxiety, and even knowing my history tried to calm me and said " You know that from this point in pregnancy something only happens to the baby if something happens to the Mother"... Not in our world. I'm standing 6weeks from where we lost Carter.

He knows that.

He believes.

I want to, really I do.


1 comment:

sara said...

Over from Meredith's blog just wanting to say I'm here rooting for you and your family in the weeks ahead!