Sunday, August 21, 2016

"Sleep Well, Baby Whale..."

That I think was a book title I read to my kiddos once upon a time....

and that time seems so long ago.

Yes I do have three fabulous kiddos and yes this blogpost is going to be about just one, but not really.

Tomorrow morning I will drive my youngest to her first day of Kindergarten, and as I sit here I am a complete wreck.

Not  one bit is because of Kindergarten. She will be fine. Even though she said to me tonight moments before she closed her eyes, "I'm nervous Mama" and then I know just because she was able to articulate that emotion, I know shes ready.

Tomorrow is not only her first day but also mine. Tomorrow signifies the end of journey of what at some point felt like 10,000 years and 100,000 thousand miles but was truly 10yrs.

The oldest original princess will have her last first day of school on Wednesday.  Yes my kids are at different schools this year, that is a post for a different day, and yes I'm talking about the youngest going to kindergarten and I'm talking about the oldest and really to tell you the real meaning of what I'm trying to get across I need to talk about my son as well. Because this is not just a story about a mom feeling sad  about kindergarten, this is a journey through infertility.

Thirteen years ago we put our oldest on the bus for kindergarten, at the time she was our only and every infertility doctor in Pittsburgh had told us that getting pregnant would not happen. We married young so at that moment in our life we were not even candidates for becoming adoptive parents. So as I watched that bus pull away, there was a distinct possibility that it would be the only first day of kindergarten I would ever see. For whatever reason I knew deep in my soul differently, that our family would grow someday, somehow, in someway.

Seven years ago we were told we would become adoptive parents, to the most beautiful, most energetic little man with the best pinching cheeks a mother could ask for, on his first day of kindergarten I drove them to school (his big sister in tow ) dropped them off parked in the parking lot and watched them walk in, and possibly sat in the parking lot wondering if I was doing the right thing!

You see our family did not come together in what most would call traditional in any way, and when people ask, strange insensitive questions about the ages and ethnicity of my children I truthfully answer (unless you ask me on a really snarky day, then I may tell you I have three baby daddy's' ) this was God's plan not ours.

Because it was. 100% hands down. My kids needed each other. Exactly they way they are, they needed each other in ways I could never understand until we lived it. The needed each other for reasons I won't bore you with but knowing that truly keeps me going on the tough days.

So yes I have three kids and I have been a mother for 17yrs but I have only been a mom to three for
6 yrs and I am quite honestly really sad to see this part of parenting end,  everyone in school and making more steps towards leaving me forever.... (ok a bit dramatic I know, its probably the wine talking ...)  I still pinch myself to see if this is really my life, because for a decade I thought maybe this dream would never happen. A dream of motherhood and a larger family? Shocking I know, but that was my dream.

The time has gone so fast, and I truly know that the rest will go even faster, so I'm going hug squeeze and kiss them goodnight because I know before I finish writing this it will someones last first and they will be ready even If I'm not, because they will be ready to set out on the next adventure.

I'm not alone right?

Hang in there Mama Bears!

~Brandee






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